Same Bat-time, DIFFERENT Bat-channel…

I have been trying desperately to organize the chaos on my computer recently.  This includes organizing my on-line resources as well.  I have decided to leave behind the name of Tao Films on all of my e-mail addresses and screen names since I have officially left the company.  That part of my life is over now and it’s time to move on.  I am changing the location of my blog.  It will be the same blog, but it will have a different address.  I will no longer be updating my blog at this URL.  Sorry for the inconvenience and sorry to those who left comments on this site.  I hope you will continue to read my blog at the new URL.

The new blog URL:

http://calcutec81.wordpress.com

I have also changed my e-mail address.  Please update your contact lists:
calcutec81@gmail.com

See you at the new site.  Thanks for sticking with me.

Much love.

Virus Scare…

Well…I got a call from my boss this morning telling me that classes are cancelled for the next week.  Apparently the swine flu has split into a new strain in Japan and is spreading rapidly.  It is especially bad in my prefecture.  The Japanese government has effectively closed all public and private schools for the next week at which time they will reassess the spread of the virus and make a decision.  So I have another week of vacation, but no money.  Oh well.  I’m actually disappointed, because I enjoy my job and I hate to have my students miss another week.  I’ll likely use the time to get back in to my work-out routine and do some serious writing as well.  I’m not particularly scared about the virus myself.  I happen to think the Japanese government is overreacting, but it’s not my call.  Hope all of you in the rest of the world are not being similarly affected.  Take care and stay healthy.

Much love.

311: New Album on the way…

311, one of the few musical groups that has never once disappointed me, is releasing their 9th studio album on June 2nd.  This is their first new release in four years.  The new single “Hey You” was released recently and I thought I would post it in anticipation of the new album.  Even if you’re not a fan, you can’t deny that their music is fun.  Enjoy…

Hiroshima…

Left Eye...

Her buildings rose from the streets like rebellion.  They stood tall and exchanged sunlight like smiles.  It bounced between them and split into columns.  They looked like searchlights scanning the surface of the streets for survivors.  I couldn’t disassociate myself from her past.  My left eye saw the city as it is now.  Beautiful, peaceful, full of hope.  My right eye saw only the destruction of that terrible day.  Rubble and bodies lined the streets, twisted and wrecked.  A gray gloom hung over the sky from which ash slowly fell like dirty snowflakes.  Everywhere I looked, I saw two separate images.  It made my head hurt.  Like trying to read a 2D comic book with 3D glasses on.  Her tidal rivers were dry and barren in the mornings and full of life in the afternoons.  It was as if the whole city was breathing in and out slowly.  Not a city separated by buildings, people, cars, trees, companies, commerce, and traffic.  It was a living breathing organism.  Symbiotic.  In my right eye, bodies laying in the dry morning river beds were lifted by the tide and washed out to sea.  On the left, tourist boats full of foreigners were casually trolling through the orange afternoon waters, snapping pictures and laughing.  The rivers cut through the massive buildings inviting a cool summer breeze from the nearby ocean.  When the tide was in, the breeze smelled of surf and summer flowers.  When the tide was out, it reeked of building fires and ash and flesh.  I was becoming more confused.  Was I living in

Right Eye...

both the past and the present or did the horrific past of this place hover over it always like a shadow.  An echo.  A reminder.  The people of Hiroshima were as gracious and friendly as all Japanese people, but I felt uncomfortable there.  Possibly self-inflicted, but I felt tense and unwelcome in that place.  The weight of responsibility hung over my neck and shoulders, bearing down on me with impossible heaviness.  I felt torn in half.  I knew that it was important to see Hiroshima and understand what happened there so it could never happen again.  But, I also felt like a trespasser.  I felt like I was representing the guilty party in a murder trial and making unsympathetic apologies and offering insincere condolences.  The truth is…I’ve never been more moved by anything in my life.  I contained it all during the daytime excursions, but one of the nights alone in my hotel room, I lost it.  I haven’t cried like that in such a long time.  The kind of crying that seems like it will never stop.  I can’t explain why.  I can’t explain specifically what I was crying about.  The experience was overwhelming.  It was just too much to accept.  The whole time I was there, I felt like someone had reached in to my chest and was squeezing my heart.  The city itself was beautiful, which made it harder to accept the past.  The feeling of guilt was so tangible to me.  I felt like I was the one who had actually opened the bomb bay doors and pulled the release.  I never knew how to react when I was in the memorials and museums.  My mind was wiped clean by it all.  No thoughts.  No clever observations.  No theories or wisdom to offer.  I felt a tight knot form in my stomach when I saw a beautifully landscaped playground.  The playground equipment gleamed in the sunlight and looked brand-new.  The grounds were perfectly green and full of meticulously tended flowers and trees.  Well-balanced proportions of shade and open spaces.  My right eye, however, saw something very different.  A few of the playground toys were still standing, but they were blackened and twisted.  Warped by the heat and bent into strange shapes.  Scraps of flesh, now flaked and black, hung from the metal bars of the jungle-gyms and slides.  The remains of tattered and burnt school uniforms laid in sparse piles on the ground.  No trees.  No flowers.  Not even a breeze.

The nuclear attacks on Hiroshima and Nagasaki were undoubtedly the most horrific acts of mass murder and destruction the world has ever seen.  I honestly can’t say that I fully understand the circumstances that lead to the decision to use the first atomic bomb.  Nor do I fully understand the circumstances surrounding, or indeed the reasons for, the war itself.  I don’t think anyone could claim to have had such knowledge, even at the time of the war.  I don’t agree with the decision lead to the first atomic bombing in human history, but it wasn’t my decision to make.  I hadn’t even been born yet.  The truth is this: It happened.  It was a terrible tragedy.  A horrific event in history.  It can’t be changed.  It can’t be taken back.  There is no apology sufficient for such a crime.  The only thing we can do now is work to prevent another Hiroshima from happening.  World Nuclear Disarmament is one of the most important, if not the most important, tools for the continued survival of the human race.  I have included some links for petitions below.  Sign them if you like.  I’m not sure I believe in the power of petitions really, but the message they send is clear.  Sorry this entry is kind of a downer and it is far from well written or interesting.  When I think about Hiroshima, my mind becomes blocked by the things I saw there and I can’t collect or organize my thoughts.

http://www.petitiononline.com/prop1/petition.html

http://genocide.change.org/actions/view/yes_we_can_ban_nuclear_weapons_petition_your_senators

http://www.cnduk.org/

DJ Japan – Episode 3: TUJIKO NORIKO and THEE MICHELLE GUN ELEPHANT

The show continues…

5.) TUJIKO NORIKO: She describes herself as a noise artist.  I consider her an electronic artist who embellishes with lots of strange samples.  I didn’t like her at first, but the more you listen, she grows on you.  Now I have three of her albums.  Lyrics are all Japanese.

“ペンギン” (Translation: Penguin)

“最後のチキュ地球” (Translation: The Last Earth)

“White Film”

“氷河” (Translation: Glacier)

6.) THEE MICHELLE GUN ELEPHANT: Straight forward Punk Rock.  These guys are really fun to watch live.  They have been around for a while and have amassed a huge underground following, but never broke in to the mainstream.  They don’t have very many music videos.  So all the songs below are live, but that is where they shine anyway.  Fun music.  Lyrics are mostly Japanese with an occasional English phrase or word.

“デッドマンズギャラクシーデイズ” (Translation: Dead Man’s Galaxy Days)

“ジプシーサンデー” (Translation: Gypsy Sunday)

“武蔵野エレジー” (Translation: Musashino’s Elegy)

“スモーキンビリー” (Translation: Smokin’ Billy)

DJ Japan – Episode 2: BASE BALL BEAR and CLAMMBON

2 more of my favorites…

3.) BASE BALL BEAR: Pop/Rock with very catchy melodies and great lyrics.  I think they draw from a lot of 90′s American rock.  Lyrics are all Japanese.  Plus I have a huge crush on the bass player.  I can’t help it, she’s adorable and so is her voice.

“Changes”

“愛している” (Translation: I Love You)

“Electric Summer”

“真夏の条件” (Translation: Mid-summer Affair)

4.) CLAMMBON: Interesting mix of Piano Pop, Electronic, and Sentimental rock.  I discovered these guys recently, but I really dig them.  Great lyrics too, but completely Japanese.

“Folklore”

“バイタルサイン” (Translation: Vital Sign)

“シカゴ” (Translation: Chicago)

“サラウンド” (Translation: Surround)

DJ Japan – Episode 1: LOVE PSYCHEDELICO and TRICERATOPS

Recently, I received some requests (both from inside and outside Japan) for some Japanese music recommendations.  I will post these music recommendations in a series of episodes.  Most foreigners (including myself, before coming to Japan) think that all Japanese music is the goofy Anime Pop songs that you hear in popular Japanese cartoons and commercials.  This is true to some extent.  Those songs are popular for a reason.  I am happy to report, however, that there is some really fantastic music over here.  You just have to search for it.  The same is true back home.  Turn on a radio in the U.S. (with the exception of NPR, oh how I miss it), and all you hear is crap.  Popular music in America is just as awful as popular music in Japan.  Anyway, enough ranting.  I have posted some YouTube videos below of some of the groups to which I’ve been listening recently.  My choices were limited when it came to songs, though.  Videos are usually only made for radio singles and therefore represent that which is most radio friendly.  So, bear in mind that these groups all have a lot more to offer.  Also, sometimes people post songs on YouTube with no video.  I might include some of these below since I’m more interested in the music than the visuals.  I highly recommend each one.  Enjoy…

In no particular order:
1.) LOVE PSYCHEDELICO: A blend of sixties rock and modern pop.  Lyrics are a blend of Japanese and English.

“Right Now”

“Freedom”

“Standing Bird” (Live)

“I Will Be With You”

2.) TRICERATOPS: Plain old rock ‘n roll, but in a variety of forms.  These guys are fantastic live.  Mostly Japanese lyrics.

“Loony’s Anthem”

“Warp”

“赤いゴーカート” (Translation: Red Go-cart)

“If”

Experiencing Technical Difficulties…

Hello to all,

I must announce yet another change in format.  The more I settle in to my life here in Japan, the less I actually have to write about.  At least, regarding living in Japan, I don’t have much to report.  I do, however, seem to have plenty to write about when it comes to my life in general.  So, I will continue my blog as it is and I will still report on my significant adventures in Japan as they happen.  That being said, the theme of this blog will no longer be “Life in Japan.”  Rather, it will just be my personal blog.  My apologies to any of Matsuoka-san’s students or anyone else that may have actually used this blog to gain insight in to life in Japan.  I may also be changing the URL address soon.  If and when that happens, I will e-mail everyone on my former newsletter mailing list to let you all know.  I still welcome comments and feedback on any entry and I hope that those of you who enjoy reading the blog will continue to do so.  Thanks for being understanding.  This will be the last change in format for this blog.  Now that it’s just my personal blog, I can write about anything I want.  Enjoy…

Cheers and love to all,
Edward

Kafka on the Shore…

Cover art

Two weeks ago, I finished reading Murakami’s most well-known and critically acclaimed book, Kafka on the Shore.  This book was as epic as The Wind-up Bird Chronicle, but the tone of the book was totally different.  In an unusual choice for Murakami, the two main characters are not his typical 30-something bibliophile pragmatists.  Rather, one is a 15 year-old boy who runs away from home and a middle-aged, mentally retarded man.  At first, I didn’t know what to think of this change in his style, because I typically like his usual characters.  I find that I can relate to them easily.  However, the more I read, the more I related to these characters.  Maybe, even more so than his usual breed.  Relating to them wasn’t as easy this time around, but it was through the process of the book that you become more acquainted with them and with yourself.  In my mind, I didn’t want to relate to a 15 year-old or a mentally retarded person (and yes, that is a rather heartless thing to say, but it’s the truth), but as I read on, I realized I had just as much in common with them as any of Murakami’s characters.  I grew to love these two protagonists more than any of his others.  In my opinion, the two main themes in the book are the immortality of love and the idea that life is not the same as living.  The 15 year-old protagonist runs away from his rich, artist father in Tokyo and adopts the name Kafka.  He has planned to run away for a long time and his 15th birthday was the designated starting point.  His father has cursed him with a Oedipus-esque prophecy.  He is guided by his friend who is known only as The Boy Called Crow.  As the story progresses, The Boy Called Crow becomes more important and certain things are revealed about him (I don’t want to give anything away).  Kafka randomly decides on Shikoku as his destination and he tries to settle in to a life there avoiding police and anyone that might be suspicious as to why a 15 year-old is not in school.  He soon discovers a wonderful privately-owned library in Takamatsu and becomes a regular there.  He meets some interesting people at the library and his story progresses from there.  The other main character is Nakata.  As a boy, a strange event took place in Yamanashi prefecture which was investigated by both the Japanese and American military, but was ultimately unexplained.  Nakata was involved in the event and was the only one of a large group of children that never recovered.  The event left him mentally retarded and after the war, he returned to Tokyo to be looked after by his brothers.  He became a ward of the state and received a monthly stipend.  Also, since the event of his childhood, he developed the ability to speak with cats.  By word of mouth, his reputation for skillfully finding lost cats spreads and he uses his ability to earn some extra money on the side and help out families who have lost their cats.  One such task leads him to accidentally murder someone and his strange journey begins, leading him ultimately to Shikoku.  Murakami again uses many pop-culture references and multiple narratives.  This book was incredibly moving.  There is a disturbing beauty to it that only Murakami could create.  This novel is a such a whirlwind of emotion.  It ranges from a 15 year-old boy’s first sexual experience to family-bred hatred to a love that lasted a lifetime and then some.  This one was really hard to get through.  Aside from being one of his longer novels, it’s just emotionally draining.  This isn’t to say that it’s not worth reading, because it absolutely is.  It’s just not an easy read like some of his others.  It’s a compulsive read, though.  The story is full of some very moving lines of dialogue.  My favorite of which is, “Every life has a point of no return…”  Though, out of context it sounds kind of pretentious.  Kafka was my second favorite so far of his books.  The first is still without a doubt, The Wind-up Bird Chronicle.  Kafka really was an amazing book and I loved it all the way through.  Murakami’s concept of love, though perhaps somewhat unconventional, is the most beautiful depiction that I have ever read.

Now, I’m reading A Wild Sheep Chase.  It’s one of his shorter novels.  I’m about three fourths of the way through it and while it was been an entertaining read, I think it is my least favorite of his books so far.  I will post a full review when I finish it.

Two Sides of the Same Coin…Lost Between the Cushions…

I have no idea why I’m writing this entry.  I have nothing on which to report.  I haven’t done anything interesting or worthwhile recently.

I suppose many of you might have noticed that I have become increasingly strange since I came to Japan.  Or maybe none of you have noticed that.  Who knows?  Maybe no one knows me well enough to realize that I’m changing.  I’m not sure I even know myself well enough to notice.  I have developed some very peculiar habits recently.  I have talked to some people about these things and they all offer seemingly reasonable, logical explanations to them, but as much as I would like to simply accept these rational reasons and be done with it, I can’t.  Nothing is ever explained for me.  Lately, my friends have been concerned about me.  They text or call me frequently to ask what I’m doing.  I usually have an unusual response for them, unless I’m teaching.

“Oh, I’m walking to Mount Shosha right now.”
“Edo-chan.  It’s one o’clock in the morning!  And, Shosha is almost 30 kilometers away!”
“Okay.”
“Why are you doing that?”
“I don’t know.”
“Are you alone?”
“Of course.  Who else would do something so pointless with me?”
“Do you need help?”
“No.”
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing…”

And so on.  I wonder if my friends think I’m just trying to add some drama to my life or maybe all of you that read this will come to that conclusion, but the truth is, I have no idea why I’ve started doing things like this.  Since I went to Nara, things have been making less and less sense to me.  Some people I talked to from back home suggested I return to the U.S. and see a psychiatrist.  I’m not sure I see returning as an option anymore.  To what would I be returning?  My family?  Yes, I love them and miss them, but they can’t give my life meaning or purpose.  They can’t shed light on what even I cannot find.  My friends?  I hardly have any and I’m not sure I have anything left to offer the ones that I do have.  I honestly don’t say any of this in a self-pitying way.  I’m not looking for sympathy or interest.  I’m just writing.  I’m just trying to get these things out in the open.  Of course, it hardly seems cogent to post my deepest feelings and thoughts on the Internet if I don’t want any attention and maybe somewhere deep in my subconscious is a part of me that does want attention or sympathy.  At least as far I as know myself in the immediacy of my ever-changing mind, this is not my purpose in writing.  Family and friends can’t be reasons for my return, though they will never truly know how deeply important to me they are.  I have no career.  I have no opportunities.  No means (or desire) to further my education.  Nothing left to pursue.  And true, many of these things I also do not have in Japan.  However, here I can disappear.  I am forever an outsider here.  People see me and instantly know that I am not Japanese.  I don’t belong here.  As contradictory as it sounds, this allows me to disappear entirely.  I can be isolated if I choose.  I can be left alone.  In America, I will simply fall back in place.  Another number.  A statistic filed away and forgotten.  You may argue that this is the same as disappearing, but it’s not.  Disappearing is not the same as not existing.  Here, I disappear when I want, but I’m always still here.  In America, I was nothing.  I did not exist at all.  I was the concept of a person.  The mere image of a man.  Contrived and projected for the rest of the world around me, but inside, there was nothing but space.  I have accumulated a number of pending opportunities here and Japanese people don’t forget the offers they make.  No matter how long I wait to take someone up on something they’ve offered, they always react like they extended the invitation yesterday.  If I really wanted to, I could completely fall off the grid forever.  I could call in some favors and move from place to place, working hard, but never wanting for anything more.  Sometimes, the thought is appealing.  There are, however, things that ground me here.  Things that tie me to the world.  My family and a few friends that I love with all my heart.  I have realized recently, though, that I have absolutely NOTHING to offer another human being.  Family member, friend, lover, girlfriend, mentor, student, etc.  I have emptied so much of myself.  I lost so much in Nara.  Things I’ll never get back.  I came to this conclusion when I was thinking about my relationship (if it can even be called a relationship) with Yuki.  I enjoy her company tremendously and despite the obvious language barrier, we get along extremely well.  The reason for this may be that I have nothing invested in it.  In my attempt to keep things very casual, I have also failed to allow myself the luxury of developing any feelings for or connections to her.  In hindsight, I think this is actually a good thing.  I can’t offer her anything.  No future.  No family.  No long-term security.  Not even my heart.  I lost my heart so long ago that it may well be frozen and forgotten in the meat locker of a butcher shop in Sri Lanka for all I know.  Part of me is sad that I can’t offer her these things.  She really is a wonderful person and I wish her all the happiness in the future, but a part of me is glad that I have nothing to offer her.  I think I am the kind of person that is better left alone.  I’ve never wanted children and I still don’t.  Despite the opinion of those of you that condescendingly suggest that I’ll change my mind when I get older, I know that I will never have a family of my own.  I’m simply not capable of having a family.  Even though I’ve never wanted children, I always considered the possibility that I might get married one day, but now, that possibility seems to be slipping away from me.  I’m not sad about this.  I think it is better for any potential spouse of mine that I remain alone.  I’m not saddened by this thought.  Many of you might think that I will become terribly lonely, but I’ve come to realize that my mind is pretty good company.  As is the world around me.  Ultimately, I am an incredibly selfish person and I always have been.  I use people.  Though, I suppose we all do.  I am one of those people who doesn’t believe in selfless acts.  Everything that a person does has some element of a selfish motive, despite whom the act might benefit.  There is nothing wrong with this attitude and I wish more people would embrace the idea.  It’s okay to be selfish.  As far as any of us know with any certainty, this is it.  This is all we get.  This one life.  It’s okay to spend it trying to make yourself happy.  But, that’s the trick isn’t it?  Making yourself happy is the most difficult thing of all.  You can go the “Self-Help” section of the bookstore and take advice from other people about becoming happy, but in the end, only you can know how.  Just like the story of Siddhartha, knowledge of the self comes only from within.  You cannot learn the path from any teacher or guru.  You must come to the conclusion on your own.  It is the only way.  This is not to say that other people cannot help guide you, but in the end, it’s entirely up to you.  The reason people fear this idea is because it puts all of the responsibility and accountability on the self.  If you fail and on your deathbed, you curse your life; you will have no one to blame but yourself.  And so, I continue my search.  I don’t know where it will take me, but I have given up the idea that security and stability equals happiness.  Nothing about my so-called secure and stable life in the States made me happy.  I have thrived on the uncertain elements of my life in Japan.  I seem to absorb some kind of feeling from the secure and stable lives of others.  For some, this lifestyle is the epitome of happiness.  Sometimes when I travel alone, instead of going to the famous Shrine or Temple in the town I visit, I simply get lost in a residential area.  I walk around slowly and observe.  I walk in and out of people’s lives as I pass by their homes.  I walk in and out of their happiness.  I usually prefer to do this at night.  No kids playing outside.  No traffic.  No delivery men or sales people.  People bear their vulnerability at night when they are alone in their homes.  I’ve been going to Himeji a lot at night recently to just walk around areas that I’ve never been to before.  Last night was one such evening.  I walked through this beautiful old neighborhood just West of the castle.  This may sound creepy, but I’m not spying or peeping or trying to involve myself in places where I don’t belong.  I just like to walk through the lives of others and absorb some small part of their happiness.  Last night, I heard so many wonderful things.  Kids laughing, a man singing in the shower, music playing loudly, someone playing the piano, an old couple bickering, the unmistakable sounds of moaning and mattress springs, dogs barking.  I met a cat in one of the small alleys and sat down next to him.  He crawled into my lap after a while and purred loudly as I pet him.  It must have been a strange sight.  A big American sitting, legs crossed, in a dark residential alley with someone else’s cat in his lap.  It made me happy to make a new friend, even a non-human friend.  At the end of my walk, I felt sufficiently full of the feelings of other people.  Their cares, stresses, concerns, loves, hatreds, memories, fears, and ambitions billowed out of their homes like a thick fog through which I walked, absorbing every last bit into the place where my heart once lived.  By the time I arrived at my own front door, I had been emptied of my collection.  I redistributed all of the feelings that I had absorbed to the people on the train and at the station and in the convenience store I stopped in for a light snack and coffee.  It almost feels like my duty to spread the feelings of others around without retaining any for myself.  I don’t resent it at all.  I enjoy it.  I have to let go of the things I absorb when I’m on my late night constitutionals.  I have learned to let go of many things.  For some reason, human nature is the desire to own and control.  I don’t just mean material things, though it is that too.  When we meet interesting people, most of us want to remain friends with that person.  We want to establish a long-term friendship and own the feelings that pass between.  I used to be the same way.  Even when I first came to Japan, I felt this way.  Every person I met, I exchanged e-mails or phone numbers with in hopes of establishing some kind of deep friendship.  I have come to realize that this just isn’t necessary.  I meet people and we share something deep and meaningful, however brief, and then it’s over.  We’re both better for having met and shared something, but there’s no need to over-analyze it or try to force any kind of longevity out of it.  Many of these brief encounters have touched me and changed me more deeply than some of my so-called long term friendships.  I no longer feel the need to own or control these things.  Meeting new people is my favorite thing in the world and I’m lucky enough to have many opportunities to do so.  When it’s over, it’s over.

Wow.  None of this sounds nearly as clear as it did in my head two days ago.  The more I write, the less similarity it has to my actual feelings, but since this is my only means of conveyance for these feelings and thoughts, it will have to do.  These things are so difficult for me to express and my writing lacks any kind of organization or continuity, but here it is.

A few more comments on strange things I’ve been doing:
Aside from taking late night walks in unknown and seemingly uninteresting residential neighborhoods, I have also been doing some other strange things that might make some of you think that I’m losing my mind.  I have been taking showers at night with all the lights in my apartment off.  I curl up in a ball on the floor and receive absolutely no sensory information from my eyes.  Sight deprivation is an interesting way to think.  I have done some amazing thinking in this form.  Everything becomes clear through the touch of the water and the constancy of the its sound.  However, as soon as my sight returns, the thoughts evade me and I can’t write them down.  This too, I have learned to let go of.  I understand, on some level, the importance of these revelations.  Therefore, the need to clarify them on paper is irrelevant.  Recently, I took a nap in a cemetery among the gravestones.  This was a strange feeling.  All around me were the memories of the dead.  There is an air in cemeteries that is unusually heavy and a silence that is thick.  Everything inside seems to stop.  Time itself does not exist there.  Memories hover in the air like hummingbirds.  No revelations came of this, but I managed to die and come back to life in that place.  My body was so still that I felt like I was hardly breathing and even my heart felt so slow.  My limbs grew cold and my memories (the few I didn’t lose in Nara) floated from my head and mixed in with the others, telling their stories like whispering to lovers.  When I woke up, I had come back to life and reclaimed my memories from the air (and possibly some of the others that weren’t being used).  There are a few other things as well, but this entry is already overwhelmingly pointless and long.  I should really stop here…